I FEEL BORED

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Have you ever felt so empty? It feels like there is no interesting thing in this life. Everything walks so normally, of course, but you feel unpassionate and unmotivated. You still keep going but you forget about what’s your purpose. No matter you’ve tried, you still not be able to understand why. I feel this life crisis right now and I believe this problem not just happened to me, but also you—maybe.

The essential thing in life is knowing our purpose. To still not giving up and run after fell many times, we should to still hold that purpose. “What do you mean, Aufi? I don’t understand,” maybe you asked that. Let me explain:

I have these questions in my head right now: your endlessly struggle, what for? Your hard-working, what for? What the next? What’s your plan and what is that? The core of the question is: what for?

Is this for our family? For ourselves? For God?—maybe because some statement mentioned that life purpose is to reach a high level of iman. We live for Allah. To be honest I don’t know what the meaning of that. I think—correct me if I’m wrong—Allah doesn’t need our complement to Him because He already to be great without that. When we pray for Him, the fact is we pray for ourselves. Same case with salawat.

However, I need more answer. I want more reasonable answers, wiser, and I just want more than those. Is this for pleasure? For future happiness? Why when we fight for our future happiness, sometimes we have to let “today” in suffer? Why we can’t get both of them? I mean, we can happy all the time, right?

Indeed, we cannot. Sometimes we feel suffer, but sometimes we feel pleasure. Can we got pleasure during suffer? Oh, I have so many questions in my life, but I think the process and the time will answer. I think I have to be more patient to cope all this crisis(?).

To fill the empty side in my heart and my soul, I’ve been watched many videos and read many self improvement books. It works? Yes, but just for a while. It doesn’t long lasting and I don’t know why. I also read and study some philosophy thoughts like stoicism, positivism, etc. but they are make me more confuse. Sometimes I think that: am I nihilism? No, I believe life come for reasons. I born for reasons.

When I think about it and daydreaming while sit in the sofa, my brother came and ask me why. I just answer: “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” And my brother replied, “dasar anak gabut. Take a walk, go around, and refresh your brain—may be you just feel bored and need vacation.” Then I said, “I have none to go with.” My brother just sighed and I got his meaning that: “You have friends, right? Invite them to go with you!”

When I make a plan to trip with my friends, it just being bullshit because plan just being a plan. It never happens. So fuck*ng shit. I FEEL SO BORED WITH MY LIFE, HUH.

I need solo trip and go so far from here. However, I don’t have enough money. This is the big problem. So, I just still here, sit in the sofa, daydreaming about happiness, feel bored with life, and do know what I should to do.

Do you have any opinion, guys? Or if you want to have a trip with me, just chat me :)

I worry if this boringness will kill my mental health. I want to run, laugh, and shouted loudly in the desert (too hot I think) or in the savana. I want to paint the trees in the woods. I want to out from this city so far, playing guitar (I can’t playing guitar) and singing Country Roads by John Denver (my voice so mess).

“Grateful with what you have right know. You’re stomach full of meal, your dress so well, you read books to keep your brain thinking, you breath! You have to be grateful because so many people who still…”

Shut the fuck up. I can’t.